I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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