We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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