On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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