She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
