We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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