in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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