Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
