They should really pass out barf bags in church
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
