Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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