dude i'm inner monologue high
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
