You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
