Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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