True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
