This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
