does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
did you just send me my own nude
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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