im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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