In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
