She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i came on her dog
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize