Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's on the porch naked. Help.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
