i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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