I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
