i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize