Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
