Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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