I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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