Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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