My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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