so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
