tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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