Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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