I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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