I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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