So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
