i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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