Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
