Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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