Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
