last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
