At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
