When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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