is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
