Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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