Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How external is "for external use only"?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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