My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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