The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
