Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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