That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
