thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
