Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
