so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
