So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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