So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
there is puke in my bra ... again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
