woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Houston, we have a blender
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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