I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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