happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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