My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
