This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
