Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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